Identity Crisis

"If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time." --From the "Desiderata"

I remember telling a boyfriend LONG ago that when I die, I hope that people will say that I was a great wife and mother. I don't care what else they say about me (and I'm sure not all will be glowing words of praise-hehe), but I want that to be remembered. I was 23 years old then, but that hasn't changed. With the exception of a few months during a particularly confusing time in my life, I have always wanted children. And I have always wanted to stay at home to raise them. Living with that decision has not been without it's struggles.

Anyone who knows me well would vouch for the fact that I have always been incredibly independent. I have always enjoyed not asking for things from others and doing things for myself. I haven't asked for money from my parents since I was (I think) in high school. Mind you, they did not have it to freely give, so I worked and saved and found out how to budget accordingly. Discussing what I did for a living (nursing) was always a topic when meeting new people, and honestly, I never gave it much thought. It was what I did for a living, but I never realized until I wasn't doing it anymore that it was a bigger part of my identity.

When I quit work after getting pregnant, I worked on the nursery and got it ready. I planned and painted and bought things for the baby. One night when we went to dinner with a group of residents and their wives, we all went around the table to make introductions. Everyone told their name and what they did for a living. Suddenly, I froze. What exactly was I suppossed to say? I wasn't a nurse anymore and somehow stay-at-home mom (which I technically didn't have a child to show off then) all of sudden didn't sound very appealing. I wondered, for the first time, if people would think I was a slacker, a moocher, or whatever other bad things I could think of in those few minutes waiting to introduce myself. I mean, I had always wanted this, right? I made the introduction, and I did throw in that I was a nurse BUT currently staying at home. Surely, that was better.

I'm sure other women have battled this as well, and surely I can't be the first. After having Jake and watching him grow, I realize how lucky I am to be in a position to do this. It's okay to rely on my husband to take care of things financially for the time being because we have discussed this and agreed. I don't have to work outside the home to feel important for others. I mean, I still have a nursing license that I can still use if I need to work. I don't ever intend to let the work I put into obtaining that fall by the wayside. However, when I walk into that nursery in the mornings and see this little face, I know that I will never, ever, ever regret my decision and I feel blessed to be able to do this.